I grew up in a family with secrets. Of course, as you would expect, I only became aware of this gradually and certainly, not directly. This extended from behavior within my home to history involving prior generations, specifically my grandparents. Initially, this centered on our family secret: my father’s alcoholism, experienced acutely in the evening within our home but hidden and not evident in his external life. We lived it most nights but did not discuss it and certainly not with others outside the home.

In time, I became aware of history related to my grandfathers, both of whom had passed before my birth. My maternal grandfather, as I learned, suffered from depressive episodes, with repeated hospitalizations and eventually took his own life in his mid-fifties. My paternal grandfather (rarely referenced) was convicted of a crime and served time in prison.

Later in my adult years, I asked my mother about this history and the related secretiveness. Her response was that she did not want my sister and I to “worry” about it. I can understand her desire to protect but there was more than that going on, specifically a large dose of shame.

Usually, there are three types of secrets within families:

• Individual secrets: Only one member of the family knows. For instance, a parent hiding history of an external affair.

• Internal Family Secrets: Shared by two or more family members, who keep at least one other person in the dark. For example, only the parents know that a child was conceived out of wedlock.

• Shared Family Secrets: Secrets shared by the whole nuclear family. These are secrets kept within the family walls and never disclosed to an outsider. My father’s alcoholism is a typical example of this.

How does keeping secrets affect mental health?

Keeping secrets can create chronic stress, increase anxiety, and lead to rumination. The mental energy required to maintain secrets often results in emotional exhaustion, feelings of isolation, and can contribute to depression. Research shows that the burden of secrecy can result in sleep disturbances, headaches, and difficulty concentrating.

You don’t have to carry secrets alone

Understanding the nature of secrets, recognizing their impact, and seeking therapeutic support can help you navigate the emotional landscape they create. By taking steps to process your emotions, rebuild trust, and affirm your identity, you can find a path to healing and resilience.

If you’re struggling with the weight of what you’re carrying, professional support can help you process difficult emotions without pressure to disclose before you’re ready. You can start with a free Methodist Healthcare EAP assessment to explore therapy options at your own pace, with no commitment required. Sometimes the most important person to share with is someone trained to hold your story safely.

Wayne Hyatt, LPC, CEAP, SAP

Counselor/Consultant

Wayne received his Master’s Degree in Counseling from Memphis State University and is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), a Certified Employee Assistance Professional (CEAP) and a Certified Substance Abuse Professional (SAP). He has over thirty-five years of experience in both clinical and administrative positions in the behavioral health field. Wayne has been active on the local, state and national level in consultation and training in substance abuse disorders treatment. In his spare time, he enjoys trout fishing in Arkansas and photography.